The Lord of the Oops
by Haleth
Summary: Saruman causes the Fellowship members to switch bodies!!
1. Default Chapter

Lord of the. Opps  
  
Rating pg-13: why I don't know, for fun  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the Lord of the Rings or its characters, I don't own Canada, I don't own Goldilocks I don't own my brothers disc man, Oh wait a second (runs in to brothers room and grabs the disc-man) now I do, I do own my own poor and lacking sense of humor, which only works when I'm high on Caffeine (but my parents won't let my drink 8 Pepsi so just bare with me). I also own my bad spelling.  
  
About me: I've never written humor, this might be bad, this might be good. Read review and I'll decide if I should keep going.  
  
1. The Big Switch  
  
The Fellowship is making their way up Caradras.  
  
"Wonderful idea, Gandalf, lets freeze, why don't you just tell us your afraid of the dark and we can get on with it," Gimli grumbled. As he began to slide down the slope he grabs desperately to Legolas.  
  
'GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF MY HAIR!!!" the elf screamed in rage prying the dwarf lose and throwing him down the path in to the hobbits.  
  
"Ahh" they cried out in unison as the fat dwarf rolled onto them, all recovering, but Frodo who rolled down the slope into Strider who was busy dreaming of Arwen.  
  
"Oh, hello," the ranger said with a dreamy look on his face as he helped the hobbit up, paranoid Frodo clutched at his chest searching for the ring.  
  
"My precious, I mean the ring, it's gone!" he wept. The Fellowship begins to franticly search through the snow.  
  
"Boromir finds the trinket and picks it up, "It's a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing, such a little thing." His eyes grow hypnotic as he stared intently at the ring.  
  
"Give the ring to Frodo," a dazed Aragorn commanded.  
  
"As you wish, I don't care," Boromir huffed handing the ring to the hbbit before ruffling his hair.  
  
"Hey, don't do that, I'm older then you!" the hobbit yelled punching the man in the stomach. Boromir keeled over and wheezed, the fellowship then continued on.  
  
"Sam, you need to lossen up on the shortcakes, my back is beginning to go out," Aragorn grumbled as he wadded through the deep snow, on a small path, on the edge of a cliff carrying Frodo and Sam.  
  
"Hahaha suckers," Legolas laughed as he burst passed the others over top of the snow and continued to the front.  
  
Gimli reached up and grabbed the elf pulling him into the small path that Gandalf was making for them, "Stupid show off," he muttered.  
  
"How many times must I tell you, DO NOT TOUCH MY HAIR!" Legolas yelled into the dwarf's face before shoving him head long into a snow drift and taking his place at the front. "There is a fell voice in the air," he informed the others regaining his dignity.  
  
"Crap, it's Saruman," Gandalf yelled. This information throws the fellowship into a panick. Aragorn dropped Frodo, who was immediately set upon by Boromir who dropped Merry and Pippin. Pippin was grabbed by Gandalf who put a hand over the hobbit's mouth to keep him from saying something stupid. Aragorn regained his hold of Sam as Gimli set to shoving snow down Legolas's back. Merry stood in a state of shock, grabbing on to the nearest object, Bill the pony. "He's setting a spell upon us!" the wizard continued.  
  
As if on cue a sudden wind picked up, and there was a bright flash of light. When the wind stopped and the light was gone the Fellowship found them selves at the bottom of the mountain.  
  
"What the, hey I thought I was shoving snow down youre back?" Legolas asked Gimli as he shook his shirt out.  
  
"You where, but what, What the!!?" Gimli cried out in shock and surprise as he stared at the elf, "Gimli, you've grown more handsome, in fact I could swear you look just like me."  
  
Pippin suddenly spoke up saying the most unexpected thing, "It would appear that Saruman the white has used a switching spell on us, I'm afraid I have no counter spells, you two are just going to have to live with the change," there was a hint of amusement in his voice.  
  
"Ha, Gandalf, haven't you noticed your two feet closer to the ground, we're all switched, now you're a hobbit, take that!" Legolas laughed from Gimli's body.  
  
Merry let out a weak neigh and began to munch on Bill's pack. Bill responded with an odd snuff resembling a turtle sneezing and sounded like oh terrific.  
  
Aragorn began to scan his arms and torso, "Hey, look at me, I like this! I can see my toes!!" he immediately set to pillaging the food supply. Sam looked over, and gasped, "No, no not that, don't do that, I worked hard to keep my body in shape, don't you ruin it Mr. crispy cream."  
  
Aragorn looked up with his face covered in crumbs, "where's Frodo?"  
  
"and Boromir?" Gandalf piped in as he began to throw his hate up into the air, catching it on his staff.  
  
"Give me those!" Pippin yelled pouncing on Gandalf, "Oh no, they've switched," he gasped realizing his body's imposter's comment.  
  
From farther down the mountain a voice cried out, "It's mine now, hahaha, I have it."  
  
"Give it to me, they entrusted it to me, it's mine!" another voice cried out.  
  
"Get them!" Sam yelled as he began to trot down the rest of the mountain after them, the rest followed.  
  
After a merry little chase the Fellowship had managed to wrench the ring from Frodo (Now Boromir's) grasp and give it to Boromir (now Frodo) who put it back on his neck and sat down in a huff. They found a small cave and decided to camp for the night. Legolas set to yelling at Gimli who was neglecting to care for his hair, Gimli then yelled at Legolas who was refusing to polish his axe. Aragorn tried to light a fire, but found that his new bulk and large feet got in the way, under his instruction Sam light it instead. Pippin gave the staff and hat to Gandalf who was threatening to turn him into a lady if he didn't. Merry (In Bill's body) set to grazing while Bill (in Merry's body) was being taught to speak by a very bored, very well tied Boromir (In Frodo's body). Gandalf sat down and tried to recall every anti-switching spell he knew, with no success. The Fellowship spent a very long, very awkward night as the each tried to grasp the reality of what had happened.  
  
"What will Arwen think?" Aragorn wept quietly staring at his old body, "That's half of what she fell in love with."  
  
~What will Rosy think~ Sam thought to himself gleefully.  
  
~Hehehehe now I'm tall and I'm the oldest~ Pippin gloated.  
  
Gandalf thought of revenge: ~Stupid half-wit stealing my staff, I'll get him back, I'll zzzzzz~  
  
~I'll show him not to abuse that hair, I'll scar up his axe real good, I'll shave off his beard~ Legolas growled to himself  
  
~My axe my lovely axe, the fiend will pay for this, I'll die his hair, I'll grease up his hair I'll cut his hair. The hair must dye~ Gimli cackled evilly running his fingers through his new blond locks.  
  
~They caught me, how could I let them catch me, I was so close to having it, why didn't I slip it on, I'm such an idiot.~ Boromir reminisced as he pointed out a sharp rock to Bill with his foot "Rock, Bill rock, pick up the rock Bill, cut the rope Bill, cut the dang rope." He pleaded.  
  
~Too close to losing it precious, too close, we must not let him have it; no precious he's a theifses~. Frodo thought to himself shuddering at the thought of nearly losing the ring.  
  
Merry lay down and began to wonder ~why, why did I grab onto Bill I should have grabbed Aragorn, then this would be a complete different story, but I just had to grab the pony, now I'm stuck eating hay the rest of my life. Do Women like horses?~  
  
~Neigh, breehee, huff, rock~. Bill thought as he stumbled around on his two short legs ~rock.~ 


	2. Daisies

The Lord of the Oops  
  
Rating: PG 13 don't ask why, I don't even know.  
  
Disclaimer: Anyone who thinks I came up with Middle Earth is a first class moron.  
  
From my reviews for the first chapter I take it you like this, great! I'm more pumped this morning so ,I'll be able to write a little better (I hope) then again, I'd better make sure (Runs to fridge and grabs Pepsi). I think I have an Idea how to deal with Gandalf's fall and Boromir's death, but I'm not saying nothing. Thanks to Artemis and Oddwin for reviewing.  
  
2. Daisies  
  
"Ahhhhh, it wasn't a dream!" Legolas wailed he awoke the next morning, "What will my father think, I'm a freak, a pudgy stupid freak!!"  
  
"Hey, you think this is bad, now I look like a girl!!" Gimli retorted holding out his new blond locks to prove it.  
  
"I do not look like a girl!!" Legolas yelled back pouncing on Gimli.  
  
"Correction, you did look like a girl," Gimli sneered as he leaped back from Legolas who promptly landed on his face. The two then set to damaging the others precious items, Legolas bashed Gimli's axe against the rocks and Gimli rubbed ash in Legolas's old hair.  
  
"Okay then," Aragorn sighed as he began his attempt to "fix" his new body, twenty push ups, twenty sit ups, one hundred jumping jacks, fifty sit ups, fifty push ups.  
  
"When's breakfast?" Sam asked as he began to rummage through the packs.  
  
"Don't listen to him, tune him out, he isn't real'" Aragorn muttered as he continued his exercises.  
  
Pippin joined Sam's search for food by looking through Gandalf's pack, " Hey, fire works," he grinned pulling several small cracklers out of the bag, lets go have some fun." He grabbed Merry by the halter and led him outside.  
  
"Those are mine; give those back, their not safe for you! Don't you remember Bilbo's birthday!?" Gandalf cried out as he chased after the two former hobbits.  
  
Boromir resumed his attempt to teach Bill some vocabulary, "Can you say: let Boromir go. come on say: let Boromir go."  
  
"Raw.k. Rock," the pony replied, nuzzling against the tied former man.  
  
"Ha, he said it, I taught him that guys, I taught Bill to say rock!!" Boromir gloated.  
  
"Fantastic," Frodo replied quietly as he fingered the ring, "Now teach him to walk properly." He eyed the oddity as he stumbled around the cave bashing into things.  
  
"I can't teach him to walk unless you untie me," Boromir stated.  
  
"Very well, we'll untie you," Aragorn agreed finishing his work out, "Listen up guys, I'm untying Boromir, keep an eye on him." He unsheathed Sam's sword and slit the ropes. Boromir leaped up and grabbed Bill by the shirt.  
  
"Let's go and teach you to walk," he said leading Bill outside where Gandalf was wrestling the fireworks from Pippin.  
  
"We should take the road through Moria, it will cut many days from our journey, and my people will welcome you most eagerly," Gimli piped in noticing Aragorn looking at a map.  
  
"I wonder if they'll welcome you master Former dwarf." Legolas sneered as he continued to bash the axe against the wall.  
  
"Oh, right, never mind, let's go up the Caradras again, we nearly made it last time." Gimli changed his mind.  
  
"No, that trip took us three day's, we don't have time to do that again," Aragorn growled. Gandalf entered the cave with Pippin who was covered in ash. Merry trotted behind them carrying the remains of a fire cracker. "Gandalf, we have decided to go through Moria,"  
  
"No, please no, not there. not there." Gandalf screamed running back out side were he tripped over Bill who was crawling around on all fours.  
  
"I thought one was supposed to grow out of being afraid of the dark?" Legolas muttered as he began to back his things.  
  
After finding Gandalf who was curled up in a bush, and getting Bill to sit on Merry the Fellowship continued on to Moria.  
  
"Wow, you had great eyes; I can see the lice in my old hair from here." Gimli commented to Legolas.  
  
"Ewww, get them out, get them out!" Legolas cried shaking his new, tangled mass of hair.  
  
Boromir walked beside Bill and held him steadily on Merry, who was beginning to get used to the being a pony. "Can you say your name Bill, say Bill. come on say Bill." He urged.  
  
"Frodo walked beside Gandalf and attempted to explain the advantages of now being short. Ganadalf in return was muttering under his breath. "I need to get out, he'll ruin every thing, the imp is going to be the end of us all," he glared intently at Pippin who was skipping ahead of the pack, singing a song about daisies.  
  
They turned a corner and saw that they where coming to a dead end.  
  
"The walls of Moria," Gimli sighed in awe. "In order for this to work Legolas try to act dwarf like, and in return I'll act gay."  
  
"Elves are not gay!" Legolas screamed pushing Gimli into a small lake that lay by the side of the path.  
  
"Oh no, you got your old hair all slimy," Gimli said in mock dismay.  
  
"Nooo, that's it, your axe is going down!" Legolas cried out dipping the steel weapon in the water. "Say hello to rust hahaha."  
  
"Won't you two just shut up!!?" Aragorn yelled, "All of us are switched, you two are not the worst done by, I'm now fat, Gandalf's short, Merry's a pony. So please just shut up!"  
  
Gandalf stepped up to the mountain wall and jumped up and down to brush away the dirt covering it. "Isildin. It mirrors only starlight and moonlight. It reads: The gates of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter."  
  
Pippin stopped singing long enough to ask a stupid question, "What do you suppose it means?"  
  
"Stupid half wit, what do you think it means?!" Gandalf yelled at him.  
  
"Daisies," stated Pippin before breaking forth into song again.  
  
Gandalfs eyes began to make an odd twitching motion. "No, Pippin it means that if you are a friend, you speak the password and enter," He replied very slowly. Now let me see if I can remember it.  
  
Pippin halted his singing again, "Is it Daises?" he asked.  
  
"NO IT IS NOT DAISES, NOTHING IS DASIES, SO FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY SHUT UP!!" Gandalf yelled into Pippin's face before regaining his composure and continuing to search for the right word.  
  
Aragorn turned to Boromir who was holding Merry's reins and supporting Bill. "The Mines are no place for a pony, even for one as brave as Bill."  
  
"But Bill can walk now, I taught him to walk, please let us keep him. Merry's the one who will cause all the hassle." Boromir pleaded stroking Bills curly head.  
  
Merry let out a load snort and glared intently at Boromir.  
  
"Fine we can take Bill, but he's your responsibility."  
  
"What about Merry?" Boromir asked lifting Bill off the former hobbit's back.  
  
"I guess we'd better take him, who knows maybe we'll meet someone who can help us."  
  
Merry let out a joyful whinny and nuzzled Aragorn.  
  
Legolas's and Gimli's argument was becoming more and more heated. Legolas keeped bashing the dwarf's axe against the door insisting that the impact might open it. In turn Gimli continued to rub slim in Legolas' former blond locks. At the sight of this Legolas got so angry he took one of Gimli's throwing axes and threw it into the pool, "Hahaha that will show you to treat my hair with respect."  
  
"It's my hair now; I'll treat it how ever I want to." Gimli yelled back grabbing Legolas' bow and preparing to cast it into the pool. Aragorn grabbed his arm and pulled him back.  
  
"Do not disturb the water," He growled before letting the dwarf go. Legolas' immediately pounced on him and grabbed his bow. Gimli in turn grabbed his axe. "That's better, how about you just exchange weapons and well doing that grab some maturity." Aragorn turned to help Boromir who was tying a lead onto Bill.  
  
"Mae Carnon mellon nin (Well done my friend)," Legolas huffed sarcastically. Suddenly the doors opened.  
  
"What, what did you say!" Gandalf cried out.  
  
"Mae Carnon mellon nin," Legolas relied quietly.  
  
"Of course, friend, it was a riddle." Gandalf laughed, "Well come on, lets get going."  
  
"Gimli prodded Legolas in the ribs, "Soon you will know why it is better to be a dwarf, roaring fire, malt beer, red meat right off the bones. This is the home of my cousin Balin, and they call it a mine, a mine!"  
  
"I'm a vegetarian," Legolas stated prodding Gimli back.  
  
"No way, not well your in my body, it needs meat," Gimli commanded.  
  
"It's my body now," Legolas retorted sticking his tongue out at the enraged dwarf.  
  
"Wow, I didn't know that drwarven interior decorating involved so many corpses," Boromir whistled.  
  
"No, no, noooo," Gimli cired out as he began to run franticly around the cavern.  
  
"Goblins," Legolas quaked pulling an arrow from on of the corpses.  
  
"Ahhh," the former hobbits yelled as the turned tail and ran out the door. Boromir followed them, but was immediately picked up by a tentacle coming from the pool.  
  
"Aragorn," he yelled, "Help!"  
  
Aragorn ran into the water with Sam's sword, as did Gimli and Legolas, together they hacked at the tentacles till the best let Boromir fall. Aragorn caught him, and Legolas let fly a deadly arrow into the creature's head.  
  
"Into the mines," Gandalf cried as he herded every one through the door.  
  
"That's the best idea I've heard all year," Aragorn agreed letting Boromir down and following him. Suddenly the creature broke the doors behind them, trapping them in Moria.  
  
"Head count, head count," Sam yelled out in the darkness. Gandalf immediately set a glowing stone on his staff.  
  
"One, two, three, four hobbits (sort of), One, two men (er.. nevermind) yeah, every one's here." Gandalf reported. "Now we have only one choice," he shudder, "We must go through the mines." 


	3. The First Reverse

Disclaimer: For those of you who haven't yet figured it out I'll spell it for you: I--D-O-N-O-T-O-W-N-M-I-D-D-L-E-E-A-R-T-H-O-R-I-T-S-C-H-A-R-A-C-T-E- R-S.  
  
Rating: PG 13 you decide why  
  
Thank you Oddwin for Reviewing again!! My brother wants to help me, but I won't let him, why: A) because I have his disc-man and he must never know. B) His humor sucks C) he thinks fan fiction is dumb D) He's my brother (duh!) I'm referring to every one as their mind names, so Pippin is the hobbit in Gandalf's body not Gandalf in Pippins body  
  
2. The first reverse  
  
Going through the mines was a long and painful process. Boromir was forced to care for Bill who didn't seem to understand the danger's of gravity. Pippin insisted on singing about every object that came into his head. All those now occupying a hobbit body found the feet incredibly awkward. Aragorn found the thousands of steps hard to deal with. Sam insisted on using Aragorn's sword as a walking stick. Frodo in his paranoia at having once lost the ring insisted that someone was following them. Worst of all Gimli and Legolas' feud had never ceased.  
  
"No, no that is a cliff, can you say cliff.no, okay what about stupid.no, okay, fall how about fall. no, okay then try splat, can you say splat," Boromir urged Bill as he tittered on the edge of a long drop off.  
  
"Rocks beautiful rocks, stairs never ending. funny mining stuff and even more rocks," Pippin sang in a horrible soprano that sounded like nails on a chalk board.  
  
"Hey guys hurry up, we're nearly at the top," Sam egged on leaning on Aduriel.  
  
"Huff, huff, guys.wait.up," Aragorn gasped as he stumbled up the ever climbing stairs, "Ahhh," he cried as his large foot caught on a step and he rolled down the five steps he had just come up.  
  
"Frodo, Gandalf and Gimli where pushing Merry, well Legolas held his lead, Merry was perfectly willing to go up the steps, but his new body wasn't.  
  
"There, didn't you guys hear that, someone yelled. I'm telling you something's following us," Frodo insisted as he gave the pony a push.  
  
"That was Aragorn, calm down," Gandalf grimaced as he shoved Merry up two more steps.  
  
"Hey Legolas, I think I just got a bit of horse dung on your old hair, oh there's a bit more," Gimli edged his companion on.  
  
"Well I just ripped some of your beard off, so there," Legolas retorted wrenching a tuff of stiff brown hair from his chin. "Yeowww that hurt, next stop I'm brushing this mess out, or maybe I'll cut it all off."  
  
"You wouldn't," cried Gimli.  
  
"I so would," the former elf replied tugging Merry up the last step, "Hah, we're done with that nonsense."  
  
"I have no memory of this place," Gandalf declared as three doors came into view.  
  
"Easily solved," Pippin exclaimed. "Eany, meany, miny , moe." he began pointing at each of the doors.  
  
"What are you doing, you can't do that, this is a quest not a birthday party!" Gandalf exclaimed.  
  
"It is too a birthday party, today I turn twenty nine, not that anyone cared to notice." Pippin huffed as he sat down.  
  
"Oh, sorry, um happy birthday!" Gandalf apologized as he settled himself down, "Could you hand me my pipe?"  
  
Pippin reluctantly handed the pipe to the guide, "Are we lost?" he asked.  
  
"No we are not lost!" Gandalf yelled at him taking the pipe.  
  
"But I thought you said you didn't remember this place?"  
  
"I don't, but I soon will," Gandalf growled as he light up.  
  
"I think were lost." Pippin said quietly to Sam who had settled beside him.  
  
"Quite, Gandalf's thinking." Sam retorted. "I'm hungry; let's see what in the packs."  
  
Gandalf stared intently at the doors, ~eany, meany, miny, moe.~ He thought to himself.  
  
"Ahhhh," Frodo screamed leaping up and running over to Gandalf, "There's something down there!!"  
  
"It's Aragorn, relax," Gandalf consoled the ring bearer; he placed a comforting hand over Frodo's shoulder.  
  
"Don't touch us!!" Frodo hissed bolting back to where he had been seated.  
  
"Oookay then," Gandalf sighed returning to his door choosing. "Can you say lost. Bill say lost," Boromir urged the former pony.  
  
"Cliff," Bill replied.  
  
"Moe! It's that way guys," Gandalf cried out pointing to the right most passage. "I told you we weren't lost."  
  
"Who's Moe?" Pippin asked halting his song.  
  
"Moe's, um, err the dwarf who I was traveling with when I first came here, yeah," Gandalf recovered, herding the rest of the Fellowship through the door.  
  
"Wow. guys. thanks. for waiting!" Aragorn huffed as he finally climbed the last step. "I think. I'll sit down. for a breather now. okay."  
  
"No way, there's something following us, and if we don't get going, it's going to catch up," Frodo insisted pulling Aragorn to his feet and pushing him through the door.  
  
They traveled for hours down a pathway that slowly made its way upward, Pippin's horrible racket echoed off the walls until Gandalf finally had the sense to gag him. Eventually they entered a vast room, "Let me risk a little more light," Gandalf said blowing on the shinning rock.  
  
"Nooo, it will see us, it will know we're here!" Frodo wailed tackling the former wizard.  
  
Sam and Gimli pried Frodo off and poured water over his head, "Come now, nothing following us, just relax, think of happy thoughts. there you go," Sam comforted.  
  
"Behold the great realm of the dwarven city of Dwarrowdelf," Gandalf presented allowing the light to travel across the massive hall.  
  
"You lived here? What a dump," Legolas whistled giving Gimli a provoking nudge.  
  
"Never insult the Dwarrowdelf!" Gimli yelled tackling the former elf. The fight continued for several second till Legolas throw Gimli off him and into a small room off the great hall.  
  
"Gimli!" Aragorn cried following him into the room. He saw Gimli crying at a stone tomb and ushered the others inside. Gandalf handed his staff and hat to his former body now occupied by a gagged Pippin before picked up a very old book. He begins to read.  
  
"Hmm, sounds like they all died," he stated.  
  
"How, how did they die?" Frodo asked voice quivering.  
  
"Goblins," Gandalf informed him letting the book fall. Pippin let out a weak whimper and wonderd over to a well in the back of the room. He peered down before dropping Gandalf's hat down the hole; it fell bashing into things the whole way down, making enough noise to waken a deaf sloth. "Fool of a Took, next time throw yourself in and rid us of your stupidity!" Gandalf yelled at him before grabbing his staff.  
  
"Wouldn't that kill your old body?" Sam asked as he moved about the room looking for any unspoiled rations. Gandalf gave him a withering stare.  
  
Drums begin to beat, goblin cries echoed through the great hall.  
  
"Goblins," Legolas cried readying an arrow.  
  
"No duh." Gimli growled, readying his axe.  
  
"Bar the door, bar the door!" Boromir wailed grabbing several large axes and sliding them through the two handles. Bill promptly crawled into a corner where he began to indistinguishably mutter the four letter words Boromir had been uttering all trip.  
  
"Let them in, there is still one dwarf in Moria who still draws breath," Gimli urges.  
  
"You're not a dwarf any more, I am and personally I say: keep them out!" Legolas replies under his breath letting an arrow fly, which pierced a goblin on the other side of the rotten door.  
  
The goblins streamed in with inhuman cries. Aragorn leapt into the fray and began bashing Goblin heads with cooking gear. Sam started to spin holding Aragorn's blade before him, he killed several orcs, but also narrowly missed Boromir's head. Boromir unsheathed a glowing Sting and starts killing any goblin within a meter of Bills hiding place. Legolas and Gimli rapidly adapt to the movements of their new bodies and continue their feud well taking down many of the goblins. Gandalf managed to hack at the goblins feet while Merry begins to kick any goblin senseless who comes close enough. Pippin freed him self of the gag and throws the remainder of the goblins into a state of insanity with his singing. Frodo started running around like a maniac crying, "I told you so, I told you so!"  
  
Suddenly a dark shape loomed in the doorway as a cave troll bashed his way into the fray. Pippin's tune grows more and more horrendous causing the cave troll to waste no time in fleeing from the sound. Pippin's song soon stop[ed as he runs out of lyrics, the stunned goblins begin to arise.  
  
"To the Bridge of Kazad-dum!" Gandalf ordered. The Fellowship ran out of the room and down the Great hall. Goblins began to crawl out of every imaginable place. "Pippin we need more song!"  
  
"I don't have any more," Pippin wailed as the goblins close in. A roar sounded in the distance and the goblins all ran.  
  
"It's him, he's found us!" Frodo screamed and began to bolt  
  
"What new devilry is this?" Boromir asked grabbing Frodo's belt.  
  
"A Balrog, a demon of the ancient world, this foe is beyond any of you. run!" Gandalf replied as he fled down the rest of the hall, he was immediately followed by the others.  
  
Gimli burst in front of the others, only to come to the edge of the path and face a steep drop off. Legolas grabbed a hold of him and pulled him back. "Don't you dare kill that body," Legolas hissed into Gimli's ear.  
  
They continued to a stairway and begin to ascend it, but discovered the middle half was missing.  
  
"Crap," Gimli swore before leaping across easily, followed by Sam. Pippin followed them; Merry leaped across the gap and skittered down several more steps before regaining his balance. Frodo grabbed Bill and together they jumped the space. Legolas grabbed Gandalf and flung him across the gap, Gandalf was caught by Gimli. Then Legolas attempted the space, but had forgotten his new bulk and nearly missed, Gimli put Gandalf down and grabbed hold of Legolas' beard, with which he pulled his friend in by.  
  
"Oww, let go!" Legolas wailed, Gimli did, and Legolas began to fall again, but was immediately grabbed by Frodo who gave Gimli a disappointed glare.  
  
Aragorn and Boromir where left on the other side as the stairs begin to crumble, "Here, let me, give you a boost," Aragorn offered shoving Boromir off the side. Boromir was towed in by the lead that held him to Bill. Aragorn mustered up all his courage and took a running leap across the gap, much to everyone's surprise he made it.  
  
The Fellowship then continued to the bridge. They crossed it single file, Gandalf, then Bill, followed closely by Boromir, Frodo ran next. Legolas and Gimli crossed together, and nearly fell down the never ending gap in the process. Merry trotted across the gorge after them. Aragorn fled across, then Sam. Suddenly a creature emerged from the corridor behind Pippin who at the sight of the Balrog stalleed halfway across the pass. A faint squeal escaped the former hobbits lips as he begins to sweat uncontrollably.  
  
"Come on Pippin, come on, we're nearly there," the others urged blocking Gandalf from rescuing his body.  
  
"Let me through, I need to get through, haven't any of you read the book, I need to get through!" Gandalf cried out as the Balrog began to cross the bridge. As the foul beast placed his foot on the narrow stone pass, it crumbled. The Fire demon fell into the abyss, taking the stunned Pippin with him.  
  
"Pippin," the fellowship wailed as their friend fell.  
  
"Splat," offered Bill hopefully.  
  
Arrows began to rain down upon them, as they made their way outside the mine. Merry fell to the ground and wept, as did the other former hobbits, Aragorn attempted to comfort them saying, 'Look, he was so stupid, it was bound to happen."  
  
Gandalf began to mutter about the destruction of his old body, when suddenly a bright light began to shine from him.  
  
"Nooo," Pippin cried out as he leaped up. "Oh, hello, was I dreaming?"  
  
"Pippin, how the. what the, we thought you where dead." the former hobbits stuttered crowding around their friend.  
  
"You killed Gandalf, you stupid imp," Aragorn yelled as he lifted Pippin up by the collar.  
  
"I don't understand?" Boromir asked looking around confused at the others.  
  
"When of us dies the switch between them and the person they held onto on Caradras is reversed. There for because of Pippin's stupidity, Gandalf is dead," Aragorn informed the senseless former man letting Pippin fall to the ground. "Soon these hills will be covered in goblins, we'd best get going."  
  
Gimli eyes Legolas evilly, Legolas returns the stare. "That gives me an idea," Legolas cackled.  
  
"Me too," Gimli replied as he reached for his axe.  
  
"There will be no suicides, you two, so don't even try it." Aragorn ordered as he made his way down the mountain.  
  
Sorry about that last bit, it wasn't too funny, but hey you try writing a death scene and making it laugh worthy. I'm sure this will answer a few of your questions, as well as give you some hints about future switches. Please review, I want to get better, and funnier. 


	4. The Faint of Galadrial

Rating: PG 13, because Aragorn's getting fed up.  
  
Disclaimer: I (sob) do (wail) not (sniffle) Own (weep) the Lord of the Rings (Blubber) or (hiccup) its characters.  
  
Thank you to any one who is still reading! My brother found his Disc-man, and now mysteriously my Thesauruses is gone (the fiend). I'm hoping this will be better then chapter three lets see.  
  
The Faint of Galadrial  
  
The Fellowship made their way down the mountain and into a forest.  
  
"Let's see if the meeting with my people will go better then the meeting with yours," Legolas challenged Gimli.  
  
"Let's see if they'll accept you as an elf, beard boy." Gimli sneered back.  
  
"Maybe I'll be so rude as to spit in their faces. Maybe then they'll execute me and this whole mess will be over." Legolas retorted.  
  
"You wouldn't,"  
  
"I would do anything to get out of this horrible excuse for a figure," Legolas shot back.  
  
"I said none of that!" Aragorn yelled using his new found balk to separate the two. "The next one of you to challenge death, or spit in the face of an elf will face my wrath, so help me; I'll have him permanently displayed on my palace wall."  
  
"What castle, what people would take you as a king, with that body? You're not the heir of Isildur you're the Heir of a Shire farmer," Boromir laughed.  
  
"Yes, well what chance do you have of ever taking your fathers place as steward with that height? You'll be the laughing stock of Gondor," Aragorn replied, this comment brought the two former men into a feud similar to the one Legolas and Gimli where already locked into.  
  
"Hahaha," several voices laughed from within the trees as a troop of elves materialized from the foliage and leveled their bows at the fellowship.  
  
"You argue so loudly, we could have shot you in the dark," the nearest replied eyeing Legolas suspiciously. "I am Haldir, you are now my captives."  
  
Aragororn untangled himself from Boromir and stepped up to the elf, "Haldir o Lórien. Henion aníron, boe ammen i dulu lîn. Boe ammen veriad lîn. (Haldir of Lorien. We have come for help. We need your protection.)" He said.  
  
The elf eyed him curiously, "It is odd for a halfling to speak our tongue so delicately, who are you?"  
  
"Oh, right," Aragorn blundered remembering his present state, "I'm Aragorn, son of Arathorn, we had a bit of a run in with one of Saruman's spells, it made us. switch."  
  
"I see," the elf responded coldly as he eyed Bill who was running circles around Boromir.  
  
"Aragorn, these woods are perilous, we should go back!" Gimli warned.  
  
"Ah, one our kin, what land do you come from," Haldir asked approaching Gimli.  
  
"Um, err," Gimlis squeaked, "actually I'm temporarily renting this body, so you may want to ask the dwarf that."  
  
"Right. well any way, you have entered the realm of the lady of the wood, you cannot go back." Haldir recovered. "Come, she is waiting." He then led the fellowship as well as his archers into the wood and to the elven city of Lorien.  
  
The travelers where ordered to ascend a large stair case that led to a house in the tree tops. There they where greeted by two royal looking elves.  
  
"Eight there are here, but nine there were set out from Rivendell. Where is Gandalf, for I much desire to speak with him," The male asked as he approached them.  
  
Aragorn shot Pippin an angry glare.  
  
"He has fallen into shadow," The female replied searching through Pippins face. "The quest stands on the edge of a knife, stray but a little and it will fail, to the ruin of all." Her stare skipped franticly from face to face. "Yet hope remains as long as the company is true." she said urgently watching Gimli give Legolas a murderous look. "Do not let your hearts be troubled," she consoled Merry who had just been hoisted up the tree in a sling. "Oh, we're all doomed!" she wept before fainting into her husbands arms. Several elven servants immediately ran over to help her and the fellowship was ushered down the stair case and into a tent.  
  
"Please, just stay here, and don't cause any trouble," they pleaded before returning to the tree house.  
  
"Great people you have here Legolas, so. welcoming," Gimli said sarcastically.  
  
Legolas was to busy hacking through at his new hair to argue. Elven singing drifted through the trees "A lament for Gandalf," he whisperd.  
  
"What do they say about him?" Gimli asked.  
  
"That he was killed by a stupid Halfling," Aragorn muttered as he began his evening exercises. "Take some rest Boromir, Eru knows we need it." He instructed Boromir who paced nearby followed closely by Bill.  
  
"I shall find no rest here. I heard a voice inside my head." Boromir replied.  
  
"With you that's no surprise," Aragorn muttered under his breath  
  
Boromir winced and continued "She spoke of my father and the fall of Gondor. She said to me, even now, there is hope left, but I cannot see it. Look at me, I'm short, I'm weak, I can do nothing but melt girls with my puppy dog eyes. My father is a noble man, but Izual is failing, and the people lose faith. My father looks to me to set it right, and I would do it. If I could just have it."  
  
"Have what?" Aragorn asked.  
  
"um.My old body!" Boromir recovered. "With it I would see the glory of Gondor restored. Have you seen it, Aragorn? The white tower of Ecthelion glimmering like a spike of pearl and silver, its banners caught high in the morning breeze. Have you ever been called home by the clear ringing of silver trumpets?"  
  
"No, I was raised in Rivendell remember, I'm in exile, jeeze, must you always bring that up?" Aragorn growled before returning to his work out.  
  
"Ouch, oh shit," Legolas swore as his comb snapped off in his hair. He tugged at the handle, but it held fast. "Why, couldn't you just take three fricken moments each day to untangle this mess!!" he yelled at Gimli who had settled himself into his bed.  
  
"A dwarf's time is valuable, we have no time for hair care, the most we ever do is braid it once every ten years."  
  
The evening passed by, several elves came with blankets for the travelers and hay for Merry. Soon the Fellowship found them selves lulled to sleep by elven songs.  
  
Frodo awoke at the sound of a twig snapping, he leapt up and grabbed the ring "We mustn't let them have it, it's ours. The pointy ears will take it they will," he cautioned himself as Galadrial came into view, her face was a pasty white, more white then usual.  
  
She began to ascend a small stairway, Frodo followed. She stopped at a basin in the middle of a clearing.  
  
"Will you look in top the mirror?" she asked eyeing the ring bearer who began to take on a tense twitchy motion.  
  
"Wha. what wi wi.will I see?" he questioned in return.  
  
"Not even the wisest can say, for the mirror shows many things. Things that are, things that were, and some things that have not yet come to pass." She grabbed a jug form nearby and filled it with water from a fountain. She then poured the jug out into the basin. Her eyes grew hypnotic.  
  
Frodo approached cautiously and peered into the mirror. He saw Legolas (In Gimli's body) diving off a cliff with the comb still stuck in his hair, Gimli (in the elf's body) charging an army of orcs alone. He saw Sam impressing Rosy with his new figure and Arwen slapping a pudgy Aragorn. Then Bill teaching a course on English and Merry giving pony rides to the Hobbiton children. He saw Boromir pounce on him and then Saruman laughing to himself in Orthanc, before dying of a heart attack. Suddenly then the eye of Sauron dominated the vision, the ring began to pull it's bearer down wards. Frodo desperately clutched the ring and threw himself backwards.  
  
"He can't have it, he mustn't have it!!" He cried scrambling to his feet.  
  
"The ring, you have it, of course," Galadrial whispered approaching the ring bearer. "I must say that my heart has greatly desired this, to have the Ring of Power with in my reach." She began to mutate into a green terrifying women. "Instead of a Dark Lord, you would have a queen, not dark but beautiful and terrible as the dawn! Tempestuous as the sea, and stronger than the foundations of the earth! All shall love me and despair!!"  
  
"Eeep," Frodo cried before running off into the woods.  
  
"I passed the test. I will diminish, and go into the west, and remain Galadriel," The elven queen sighed before signaling several of her archers to fetch the schizophrenic former hobbit.  
  
I must admit I was having a bit of trouble with this one, not only because my Thesaurus was missing, but I also kept switching back to present tense and to a bit more tragic approach. Any way please review I need more reviews, I must have them precious, give the to usss. Erm, sorry about that eha. Yeah. Stay tuned for the next Chapter, Will I kill Boromir.maybe. How will Frodo and Sam get to Mordor with all this switching? you'll see. 


	5. Hair Dye

Rating: PG 13 for reasons you shall never know (muahhahaha)  
  
Disclaimer: I don not own Tolkien's creations (yet)  
  
Sorry this took so long, School and other dreadful things (not like there is anything worse) got in the way and I got wellllll lazy. Anyway, this promises to be an interesting chapter as it is of course where the Fellowship must split up. Boromir dyes. no he doesn't.. yes precious he does. no..yes.. we'll see.  
  
5. Hair dye  
  
As the pleasant sun shone into the woods of Lothlorien, elven voices could be heard calling out for a certain former hobbit. They found him, finally after six hours of searching, hissing to himself and giggling under a bridge. After convincing him no one would take the ring, they captured him, tied him up and brought him to where the rest of the Fellowship waited.  
  
"Mr Frodo, we where sooooo worried. Don't you ever ever run away like that again." Sam wept as he received his master from the elves. Who fetched a collection of supplies from a nearby tree house.  
  
"These are for you, take them, and for Eru's sake just leave." They pleaded shoving cloaks into the Fellowships arms. They then gave Pippin a belt and knife before tossing him into a nearby boat. They gave Merry a brand new halter and led him into a boat where he was forced to lay down in, least it tipped. Aragorn was given a coil of rope, and several words of encouragement. He took his place in the boat by Merry, who neighed with fear. Sam received a dagger and a comb (obviously some type of message about his new, rugged look). Frodo was given a belt, and was set lose again. Boromir was given a small phial. The elves gave him a weak smile, and he realized that they had no idea what he would have wanted, and hoped the phial would suffice. Gimli then received a brush, and several other hair treatments (Legolas was not the only one who thought the blond locks needed some attention). Legolas was given a set of arrows, and the elves comforted him at his loss.  
  
Soon the whole Fellowship was paddling down the Anduin, each attempting to discover the value of their gifts.  
  
"Do you think she was trying to tell me something?" Gimli asked as he dropped the hair treatment in the water.  
  
"What the $%#," Legolas screamed as he bounded into the freezing water after them, "Why didn't you give them to me?" He came up with the hair treatments in hand, but soon began to sink. "Help, oh Valar, help!!!"  
  
Aragorn quickly discovered the usefulness of his own gift, and tossed a corner of the rope to the former elf and towed him in. "We'd best turn in here for the night, Legolas will catch hypothermia if we don't," He growled steering the boat toward the shore.  
  
"Not like that would be a bad thing," Gimli sighed.  
  
The Fellowship found a nice camp site by the shore and settled down for the night. Gimli was given first watch as punishment for his antics by the lake. As he sat near the fire smoking his pipe he thought of evil, and yet enjoyable things to do to the former elf, or at least his body. Before Legolas had fallen asleep they had a heated argument about the damages of pipe weed on a smoker's body. After discovering it could cause hair loss, Gimli had vowed to smoke every minute of his occupation of the elves body. "Hmmm," Gimli thought to himself as he dipped a golden lock into the pipe and watched it smolder, "Dye, I wonder if I brought any, ohhh, yes Gloin left some in my bag. He insists on turning his gracefully grayed hair to a dark brown. Perfect,"He immediately began to rummage through his back.  
  
"OH MY ERU!!" Legolas yelled as he awoke to find his former blond lock blotched with dark brown. "What the hell did you do, you can't do that!!"  
  
"Shut the #$%% up" Aragorn ordered pulling a pillow over his head.  
  
"Who made you boss fatty?" Boromir retorted as he awoke the others, "It's past dawn; you need to get those chubby legs moving."  
  
Aragorn began his morning exercises, Boromir attempted to teach Bill to make pancakes, Pippin (tired of being ignored) carved his name and other explicatives on the side of one of the boats. Frodo climbed a tree and picked the sequences of his jacket hissing "they glint, they will make us seen." Legolas put large amounts of hair treatment on his matted head while cursing Gimli who set to covering himself head to foot in muck. Merry searched around for a spot of grass and pondered ways to sit more comfortably in the boat.  
  
After a eating a very disgusting and messy breakfast the Fellowship set out again, but not after Boromir insisted on giving Bill a bath. The company drew lots and who would ride with whom, to the great dismay of all, Gimli and Legolas got stuck together. Never the less it was a long day.  
  
"Get your hand of my half you nancy!!!!" Gimli yelled hacking at Legolas's arm.  
  
"Then stop rocking the damn boat, you're making me sick. I'll puke up on your beard." Legolas yelled back grasping at his stomach.  
  
"Puke on the beard and I'll cut off the hair," Gimli warned holding his axe up to the already mutilated locks. The argument continued for a long time.  
  
Boromir forced his boat ahead of the others and handed his paddle off to Bill, "Come on, it's not that hard, you can to it boy, I have faith in you." he urged showing the former pony how to stroke. With a deep thrust Bill shot the boat around a corner.  
  
"Hey, wait up Boro!" Aragorn cried out paddling furoisly to keep up, the others followed.  
  
"Holy Rosy," Sam whispered in awe, 'What are those?"  
  
"The Aragornath. Long have I desired to look upon the kings of old, my kin."Aragorn replied.  
  
"We'll they aren't your kin anymore short stuff," Boromir laughed as he took the paddle from Bill and back tracked to the others.  
  
"Who are you to talk, your shorter then me?" Aragorn retorted.  
  
"Fine, when we get to shore we'll see." Boromir steered his boat toward land.  
  
"Nooo, no we musn't go ther, there be orcses there, orcses and worst, we stay in boatses."Frodo hissed cluthching at his chest.  
  
"Oh lay off it," Aragorn growled as he pulled his boat up on the shore. "We are stopping here, orcs or no orcs." He immediately fell back to back with Boromir, "Okay, we need the truth, who's taller?"  
  
"Hmmm, well actually you're about the same. Hard to tell though I think Boromirs taller." Legolas guessed sizing the two up.  
  
"Are you kidding, Aragorn obviously, geez can't you see Boromirs standing on a rock. Your sooo stupid I mean really." Gimli sighed as he lit up his pipe.  
  
"Hey, don't you dare smoke in that body, I've told you a million times. I have lived for three thousand years with out inhaling a single weed, you are not going to ruin that for me." Legolas yelled ripping the pip from Gimli's grasp and flinging it into the river.  
  
"What the, that was my grandfathers pipe, a family heir loom. Don't you elves ever think?" Gimli cried wading in after it.  
  
"It's long gone Gimli, here I have an extra," Pippin said handing the former dwarf his bag, "I think it's in the second pocket, under the pink dye, and water balloons. With the mention of dye Gimli's eyes lit up, luckily for him Legolas was too busy cleaning his nails to notice.  
  
Opps that dragged on a bit longer then I thought, ohh well I guess you'll have to wait till chapter six to discover the fait of Boromir Muahahahaha. 


	6. The Insanity of Frodo and the Fate of Bo...

Rating: PG 13 (violence, Boromir--------)  
  
Disclaimer: I ain't own no Tolkien  
  
You love me! Oh you actually like it, I'm high on life, on adoration.. Not on weed like the kids at school all think (Just because I have long hair, love trees, and LOTR doesn't mean I am a hippy right?)  
  
6. The Insanity of Frodo and the Fate of Boromir  
  
Gimli grabbed the dye and pipe from Pippin's pack before retreating behind a fallen statue with his water skin full of hot water, cackling evilly.  
  
"What's he up to?" Sam asked as he rooted around for some herbs.  
  
"Oh, you know Gimli it could be nothing, it could be the death of us all, we'll see." Aragorn responded unpacking the boats. "Hey where's Frodo?" The tree he had been perched in was now empty.  
  
"Oh no not again, can't any one keep an eye on that imp?" Legolas sighed pointing out Boromir's lonely pack.  
  
"Which imp, their both imps?" Gimli asked stepping out from behind the statue, his hair now bright pink, with some obviously darker spots.  
  
"My hair, my beautiful hair," Legolas screeched. "I won best blond three years in a row with that hair. I hate you, how could you, I hate you."  
  
"Oh, I hate you, I hate you," Gimli mocked, "Oh, help me the crazed freak will kill me!" He leapt up into a tree and climbed even higher then stuck his tongue indignantly. "Try to get me now, beard boy." He laughed.  
  
"Hey, stop it you two. I said stop it!" Aragorn yelled. "If we don't find those two, we might never go back to how we where."  
  
"What, you have a plan?" Legolas laughed as he attempted to climb the tree.  
  
"No, not yet, but maybe, no umm. Just stop it." Aragorn ordered hauling Legolas back down.  
  
"Myyyy Preciouse, yous cannot have its." A maroon blur yelled as it tore through the camp.  
  
"Give it to me, I just want to borrow it!" Another, smaller blur yelled casting itself on the other blur. The two immediately began to tussle, until Boromir rose up triumphantly with the ring. "At last its mine." He yelled flinging himself in one of the boats. "Hahaha suckers," he cried setting loss the ropes and setting off down stream.  
  
"Boromir, come back this instant!" Aragorn ordered jumping into the boat with him. Suddenly orc cries where heard coming closer. "Paddle fast friend, were nearly to the other shore," Aragorn whispered, Boromir gave him a shocked stare. "What, you can't expect me to fight in this body, I'll be slaughtered." Boromir stared down at his own, short form, nodded and began to paddle faster.  
  
"Ahhhhh," Pippin screamed as he leapt up into the tree, Bill followed close behind him.  
  
The orcs spilled in from every side, Legolas and Gimli kept them at bay, while Frodo picked himself off the ground and drew Boromirs blade, "You cannot have it, get back!" he cried hurling himself into the fray.  
  
Merry neighed with excitement as he kicked out at the intruders, catching them with his hooves and sending them flying across the forest. Sam drew Aragorn's sword and ran after Frodo, in a vain attempt to protect him.  
  
The battle did not last long, as most of the orcs where to busy laughing at an elf with pink hair, to fight. But at the last second, when, a sure victory seemed close at hand, Frodo took a hit, twenty arrows pierced the ring bearer. With a cry of anguish Sam set to the Uruk-hai archer, before falling to the side of his friend. "Frodo, oh Mr. Frodo," he wept.  
  
"What, how did I get here, where am I?" The insane glow left the fallen ones eye. "Where's Aragorn, he was just beside me, in the boat. I don't.?" he then fell limp.  
  
"Oh, oh yeah, hahaha." Sam laughed in relief. "Hey guys its okay. They switched back, Frodo's okay, it's only Boromir."  
  
"Oh, good I was really worried for a second there," Gimli sighed chasing off the last of the orcs.  
  
"How is he?" Legolas asked.  
  
"What does it matter, besides."Sam paused, giving Boromir a push with his foot. "I think he's dead."  
  
"Oh, okay, well let's put him in one of the boats and keep moving. If Frodo's now with Aragorn, then the ring is where it should be." Gimli decided as he picked up Boromir's body and dumped it into on of the boats. "Hey who's Priscal?"  
  
"Who's what?" Legolas asked giving the former dwarf a hand.  
  
"It says here on the boat. Pippin and Priscal= love 4ever"  
  
"Hey Pip, who's the hobbit chick?" Legolas yelled up the tree. "Pip, hey Pippin. Bill, oh no."  
  
"What?" Gimli quaked.  
  
"Their gone, the orcs must have captured them." Legolas wailed. "Why, why always on my shift, why always when I'm in charge?"  
  
"You're not in charge." Gimli growled. "i don't remember putting any one in charge.  
  
"Look, Aragorn is gone, Gandalf's gone, Boromirs dead. It's only logical that the most responsible, intelligent and oldest person left takes charge."  
  
"What, now you're a Vulcan?" Gimli retorted.  
  
"What's a Vulcan?" Sam asked as he pushed the boat bearing Boromir into the river.  
  
Never you mind. Besides what makes you smarter, or more responsible? I don't remember taking any I.Q test?" Gimli asked circling the former elf.  
  
"What's an I.Q test?" questioned Sam.  
  
"Something you would fail!" Legolas relied harshly.  
  
"Oh, okay. Shouldn't we get going, the orcs could be miles away, and we haven't even gotten packed." Sam began to gather up his things.  
  
"Look, I'll be in charge okay. I'm thousands of years old; experience makes me better for the job. Now go find Merry and pack him up. Sam's right we need to get going." Legolas ordered sheathing his knives.  
  
"What about Frodo?" Gimli asked grabbing Pippin's pack.  
  
"With insanity like that I'm more worried about Aragorn." Legolas sighed. The Four set out, trailing the orcs.  
  
Meanwhile, across the river, Aragorn was attempting to subdue Frodo, who was leaping up in the air crying, "It's ours again, we have it again," at the top of his lungs.  
  
"Shut up, there are orcs about, they'll hear you," Aragorn urged, but Frodo kept on yelling. "They'll take it, they will." This worked; Frodo shut up, and said nothing for three whole hours. Aragorn lead him up the valley, and toward Morder, praying the silence would continue. 


	7. The Coping of Aragorn

Rating: P.G (To continue the pattern)  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of Tolkien's ideas, (except for the whole hobbits being short thing, but he won't admit it.)  
  
Thank you for reviewing; this story is now on three sites, oh the pressure to get this chapter out. I would have written it sooner, but my fat brother wouldn't get off the computer (he needed to look up zit cures; just by looking at him you can tell it's hopeless though).  
  
7. The Coping of Aragorn  
  
Frodo suddenly awoke his paranoia stronger then before, "Gandalf!" he screamed grasping hold of Aragorn's sleeve, "Gandalf!!!!"  
  
"What the!? Hey get off me, I don't swing that way, jeeze." Aragorn cursed shoving the former hobbit away. "That's it, no more ghost stories before bed."  
  
"Don't touch us!" Frodo hissed skittering away.  
  
"Okay then. look. Frodo, come on." Aragorn called out toward the rocks. "Stop it, I hate this game, it's no fun. Look why do I always have to look for you, just once can I hide?"  
  
"Not playing, not hiding, we stalking.stalking, him" Frodo hissed coming up behind his companion.  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Him." Frodo replied.  
  
"Right," Aragorn said faking understanding. "I think he's going to Mount Doom, lets follow him, shall we."  
  
"Yes, yes we follow him, then we pushes him in!" Frodo cried out in exuberance leaping ahead, "Lets go!"  
  
"Yes, let's. go."  
  
"Gahh, no, he's here, I hear him, the theifs's here. He's... He's tracking us!" Frod yelped darting behind a rock.  
  
"Okay, I'll play along with your game, but then we play mine: You shut up, and I lead." Aragorn agreed unsheathing Sam's blade. "Hey, whoever you are come out where I can see you."  
  
"They're thieves! They're thieves! They're filthy little thieves! Where is it? Where isss it? They stole it from us. My preciousss. Curse them! We hates them! It's ours, it is... and we wantssss it!" A voice cried out from the rock ledge above.  
  
"Not funny Frodo! Come down here at once, you'll hurt yourself!" Aragorn commanded.  
  
"Come down, we not up high, we right where you left us." Frodo hissed appearing beside Aragorn, ring in hand.  
  
"Didn't Gandalf tell you not to put that. watch out!" Aragorn cried as a dark, and scantily clad figure bounded on the hobbit.  
  
"It's ours, give it to us!"  
  
"No it's ours, we found it, it's ours!"  
  
"Stop it!!!! Get off him!" Aragorn yelled as the scantily clad one began to grasp at the ring. "I said get off!" Aragorn grabbed what he now guessed was Gollum and pulled him of the hobbit. Frodo immediately grasped at the ring and fled behind the rocks.  
  
"You are coming with us!" Aragorn commanded leveling Sam's sword with Gollum's throat.  
  
"What?!! No don't take him with us, he steals it, he will steal it!" Frodo cried coming out from behind the rock.  
  
"Would you rather me let him go so he can track us again? Personally I want to keep an eye on him." Aragorn replied as he fastened Gollum's hands together with his rope. "Ha, those elves did give me a useful gift, who would have thought."  
  
"It burns! It burns us! It freezes! Nasty elves twisted it. Take it off us!" Golum yelped as Aragorn tightend the bond.  
  
"Oh for Eru's sake, couldn't something just go right for a change?" Aragorn wailed. "Every orc in Morder's going to hear this racket. We'll just have to leave him."  
  
"Yes, yes, leave Gollum, we's good as dead out heres" Gollum grinned grabbing a sharp rock with his foot.  
  
"He'll escape Aragorn, he will. We don't want him tracking us, don't want him stalking us." Frodo pleaded. "Take him with us, take him, but guard him."  
  
"Very well, you are the ring bearer, but there is no oath he can make that I will trust." Aragorn agreed.  
  
"We swears to serve the master of the preciousss. We swears on the... on the precious. Gollum. Gollum." The wretched creature coughed.  
  
"Hmmm. The ring is treacherous, it will hold you to your word." Aragorn decided.  
  
"Nooo, don't let him near it, he can't go near it!" Frodo wailed backing away.  
  
"Frodo come here for a moment." Aragorn called bringing the hobbit in close, "Look I have a plan, and he won't touch it I promise." He whispered.  
  
"Okay then." Frodo agreed.  
  
"Right then, Gollum close your eyes (regarding that they do close), and put out your hand." Aragorn ordered removing a Sam's simple bronze ring from his own finger.  
  
"Yes, yes, we closes our eyes, we putsss out our hands's" Gollum hissed as he obliged.  
  
"Now touch the ring, and repeat after me, I swear not to do harm to Aragorn, or Frodo, I swear not to steal the one ring, I swear to help with the dishes, and to clean up the camp."  
  
Gollum reached out and grasped at the bronze band, thinking it was his precious. He began to yank at it, but stopped when he felt Sam's blade against his throat "We promises, to do no harm to Aragorn or Frodo, we promises to not steal the one ring. We promises to help with dishes and to cleaneses up the campses." He hissed.  
  
"Good, then. Keep your eyes shut tight" Aragorn said putting the band back on his finger. "Frodo, take the ring off the chain." he whispered.  
  
"Why?" Frodo asked taking the ring off.  
  
"So he will think he actually swore on it. When I let him open his eyes put the ring back on the chain." Aragorn responded quietly. "Gollum open your eyes." Gollum did, and Frodo put the ring back on the chain. "Now, do you know the way to Mordor?"  
  
"We does, yes precious we does." Gollum hissed.  
  
"Then lead us there." Aragorn commanded.  
  
"But I thought you knew the way Aragorn?" Frodo asked.  
  
"Well I don't, never thought I'd need to." With that Aragorn let Gollum lose. Gollum immediately began to run ahead.  
  
"Follow us, quickly now." Gollum called. His two companions reluctantly followed.  
  
The Uruk-hai plodded along loudly, Pippin awoke to find himself strapped to the back of one.  
  
"Arghhhh, what's that smell?" he coughed looking around. "Bill, Bill do you smell that?"  
  
"Quite you, and stop squirming, I have a sore back." A croaky voice sounded from the Uruk-hai carrying the hobbit.  
  
Suddenly the procession stopped, one of the lead orcs sniffed the air with disgust. "What, what do you smell?" another asked eagerly.  
  
"So you guys smell it to, because I swear someone here needs deodorant." Pippin piped in.  
  
"Elf flesh!" The lead orc yelled. "Dirty elf flesh."  
  
"Gimli?!!" Pippin said to himself. ~They are looking for us~ he thought.  
  
"They've picked up our trail, lets go!" One ordered as the troop got going again.  
  
~They will never find us, they need a sign~ Pippin thought nipping at the elven pin on his cloak wondering what to do. The pin fell lose, and was immediately trampled on by the tail end of the orcs. "What, hey I liked that!" Pippin wailed.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Far behind them four travelers struggled on. "Gimli. what. do you. see?" Legolas asked as he attempted to catch up.  
  
"Their pace has quickened, they've caught our scent!" The former dwarf called out from ahead. "Are you sure you don't want to ride Merry, it would be much quicker?"  
  
"No. I'm okay. I like running. besides I'm not. so sure. Merry could. handle. your old. bulk." Legolas replied, gasping for breath.  
  
Sam looked back at Legolas, pity and annoyance in his eyes. "Legolas get on the pony, your making us fall further and further behind!" he ordered.  
  
"But. I don't. want to." Legolas refused sitting down.  
  
"Gimli, could you help me for a second?" Sam asked grabbing Legolas by the arms. "Come here Merry."  
  
"Grab the rope from Merry's baggage, if he won't ride, then we will have to strap him on." Together Sam and Gimli where able to fasten their fried to Merry, a task that did not prove to be too hard, as Legolas was too tired to put up much of a fight. 


	8. ahhh, Dutch Elms Disease

Rating: PG 13, well the movie was PG 14 (  
  
Disclaimer: em ton ,neikloT R.R.J detaerc erehw sretcarahc sti f olla dna ,thraE elddiM *Use a mirror wise guy*  
  
8. Ahhh, Dutch Elms Disease The orcs where arguing, as Pippin watched, he was reminded of Gimli and Legolas. Most of them wanted to stop, to take a break. It seemed that a few where hoping for a bit of a wash up, not that it would do much good. Pippin noticed them fighting over a piece of rotten bread, the stench of which brought to mind Aragorn.  
  
Bill groaned, and began to mutter, "No, not pink one, I want hay, I want it.@$#@" A trace of drool ran down his chin. His vocabulary what getting better, and ^with the company of the orcs, was getting into the four letter variety  
  
"Bill, hey Bill," Pippin whispered shaking his friend.  
  
"Hmmm, rock, I don't like rock, rock hard." Bill responded.  
  
"Ah, yeah sure. Do you here that?" Pippin asked as a steady groan met his ear.  
  
"hmmhmm, tis tummy," Bill said pointing to his stomach. The groan grew loader. "Maybe ain't tummy. where's Boro?"  
  
"Never mind," Pippin growled, "and they think I'm an idiot."  
  
"I'm starving. We ain't 'ad nothin' but maggoty bread for three stinkin' days!" Shouted one Orc, throwing aside the bread.  
  
"Yeah, Why can't we have some meat?" Shouted another, his eyes rested on the captives "What about them? They're fresh."  
  
"You don't want us, where sick, we have." Pippin struggled to think up a disease, "Dutch Elms Disease, we have it, don't touch us!"  
  
The orcs met his excuse with laughter, laughter cut short by the whistling of arrows. Suddenly several mounted horsemen burst out from the forest. "Yeeha, gonna rustle me up some Uruks" shouted one, running several of the orcs through.  
  
"Ahhhh, run Bill, runnnn!!!" Pippin yelled darting into the forest; he looked back and noticed the former pony, deep in discussion with one of the horses. "Bill, come on!!"  
  
"Sec," Bill replied rubbing noses with the steed, "here I come."  
  
"Finaly, jeeze, did you meet a girl friend?" Pippin asked sarcastically.  
  
"That was a he. you are stupid." Bill laughed as he jogged into the woods. "Boromir said it, and Boromir's always right."  
  
"What do you mean Boromir said it, I thought he liked me?"  
  
"He hated you," Bill replied flatly.  
"The red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night." Legolas whispered watching the sun rise.  
  
"Aye, and if you don't shut it, more will be." Gimli growled from up ahead.  
  
"Something's coming, duck and cover!" Sam yelled throwing himself behind a large boulder. Gimli hurled himself after him, leaving Legolas, seated on Bill staring up at the sky. "Come on Leggy, they will see you."  
  
"Nothings coming, I don't hear anything." Legolas huffed.  
  
"You idiot, of course you don't, dwarves have a horrible sense of . Oh, here they are." Gimli hissed crawling into the rocks protective shadow. More then fifty riders galloped up the hill and circled the former elf, who stared at them in embarrassment and fear.  
  
"What is a dwarf doing in the Riddermark?" asked one, removing his helmet to reveal long, ill kept, blond locks. "Speak quickly."  
  
"Nothin" Legolas gulped, eyes fixated on the rider hair.  
  
"I would cut off your head dwarf if it stood, but a little higher above the ground." The rider growled.  
  
"You would die before your stroke fell!" Sam yelled leaping out from behind the rock. He had Aragorn's bow pointed at the riders head, an arrow on the string.facing toward himself. "Oh, umm opps."  
  
"Obviously neither of you is a threat to us, Give us your names, and your business here, and we will let you go."  
  
"I am Samwise of the Shire." Sam introduced, the riders did not bat an eye at his title, ~they must not be familiar with the Shire~ Sam thought. "My companion is Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood." This was met with a fit of laughter.  
  
"Him, an elf. Well now I have seen every thing." The rider laughed clutching at his sides.  
  
"We, umm had a run in with a nasty curse." Sam gushed in embarrassment.  
  
"I am Eomer of the Mark, these are my men. Would the wizard you speak of be Saruman the white?"  
  
"The very same," Legolas answered.  
  
"Well then, may the enemy of my enemy be my friend." Eomer said, shaking Sam's hand. "Now, what is your business here?"  
  
"My friends and eye." Sam began  
  
"Friends, but I only see one." Eomer commented  
  
"Oh, yes of course, Gimli come on out they are friends!" Sam called out to the former dwarf, who stumbled out from behind the rock.  
  
"There is another site I shall never see again," Laughed Eomer as the bedraggled elf made his way beside his friends.  
  
"We are searching for our companions, Hobbit of the Shire. They would be children in your eyes," Sam continued. "They where captured by a group of uruk-hai.  
  
"Shire, is that not where you are from? Oh yes the curse." Eomer replied. 'We found a group of Uruk-Hai, we killed them, and we found no children. We pilled the carcasses and burned them as is the custom of our people." He pointed to a burning pile in the distance.  
  
"Dead." Gimli moaned leaning his head on Sam's shoulder.  
  
"I am sorry," Eomer apologized. "Hasufel, Arod" He whistled and two horses moved up. "May they bring you better luck then their former masters. Farewell." With that he mounted his own horse and the entire troop took off. "Look for your friends, but do not trust to hope, it has forsaken these lands. We go north!"  
  
"Well I say we check it out." Legolas decided, steering Merry toward the smoke in the distance.  
  
"Of course we will go and look, what else do we have to do?" Sam replied mounting Hasufel. Gimli mounted Arod, and the trio set off. 


	9. Hahaha, They Tried to Ruin My Weekend, B...

Rating: PG 13 for obvious reasons (obvious to the smart. are you smart?)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own this, I will never own this, I will never forget this, I will never like homework, I will never stop insisting my school defies my rights, I will.  
  
9. Hahaha, They Tried to Ruin my Week, but They Didn't  
  
"Eww, that is just disgusting, I think I'm going to puke!" Legolas gagged as they neared the pile, "All over your beard." He grinned suddenly and shot Gimli a look.  
  
"Aye, and then I'll rub your hair in it!" Gimli yelled back as he dismounted.  
  
"It really couldn't get much worse! Can it?" Legolas wept flinging himself at the former dwarf.  
  
"Couldn't you two just shut up!?" Sam cried he held a piece of melted metal in his hand. "Please for just one moment."  
  
"What's that?" They asked at once.  
  
"It's. It's Pippins pin!" Sam blubbered sinking to his knees.  
  
"Nweaah!" Merry neighed tears began to slide down his horse cheeks.  
  
"Oh, oh dear," Gimli sighed plunking himself down beside Sam. "We are too late then. poor little guys didn't stand a chance with this lot." He began to weep uncontrollably.  
  
"Legolas owed his head and began to muter away in elvish. Suddenly he to fell to his knees and rustled his hand through the crushed grass. "A hobbit lay here!"  
  
"Of course he lay, you don't think he hovered when they stuck him, do you!?" Gimli yelled in frustration.  
  
The outburst failed to hinder the former elf. "And the other here.they crawled!" he began to move toward the forest, still crouched low to the ground. "Their bonds where cut. eww, no they where chewed off. Bill's job I guess." Gimli and Sam looked up hopefully, Merry neighed in relief. "Then they ran into the forest." Legolas finished and stood up, a broad smile on his cheeks.  
  
"What madness drove them in there!?" Gimli cried out.  
  
Sam glared at him and pointed to the smoldering pile. "That. duh."  
  
"Oh, yeah."  
  
Bill ran up beside Pippin and grabbed at his shirt. "WHAT!!" Pippin yelled.  
  
"Orc," Bill squeaked pointing behind them. A rather ugly, rather smelly minion was crashing through the trees a little ways behind.  
  
"Well, run then!" Pippin replied as he picked up the pace.  
  
"We lost him, I thinks." Bill huffed several minutes later leaning against a tree.  
  
"I'm gonna rip your filthy little innards out!!" Growled a voice from behind them as a brown, cold hand grasped Pippin's shoulder. "Come here!!"  
  
"Gahh!" both the fugitives cried running behind a tree.  
  
"Climb, tree climb!" Bill offered.  
  
"What. tree what?" Pippin asked.  
  
"Climb!!!" Bill darted up the tree as fast as his little legs could carry him.  
  
"Ohh, climb!" Pippin darted up after him. "Why didn't you say.?" Suddenly Pippin was hulled back down again and flung onto the ground. The orc stood over him, caressing a rusty blade. "Mommy!!"  
  
The tree began to shake and groan. "Hooo."  
  
"Mommy!!" Pippin squeaked again.  
  
Bill lost his grip and began to fall toward the ground. A branch shot out and caught him. "Arghhh!"  
  
The orc stood, deaf to the large tree heading his way. "Let's put a maggot hole in your belly!" He yelled, before being squashed by the approaching oak.  
  
"Pip, Run!!" Bill cried attempting to squeeze out of the trees grasp. Pippin gets up, but is immediately grabbed by the tree.  
  
"Daddy" Pippin squeaked staring into a great big eye that protruded from the old tree.  
  
"Little orcs! Burárum" The tree groaned. "If it's not squirrels it's woodpeckers, and if it's not them it's you!"  
  
"Tree talk, tree not supposed to talk!" Bill moaned.  
  
"Tree, I am no tree!" The creature yelled, its breath smelled oddly of dirt. "I am an Ent, and a rather handsome one at that." "You're a tree herder, a shepherd of the forest!" Pippin realized.  
  
"No, no encourage, don't say to it!" Bill pleaded.  
  
"Some call me Treebeard, you can call me. that." The Ent continued.  
  
"Whose side are you on?" Pippin asked, beginning to fell the grip on him loosen.  
  
"Side, I am on no ones side. except perhaps mine! But nobodies on my side little orc," Treebeard informed him.  
  
"We aint orcs, we."Bill blurted out.  
  
"We are hobbits. well not him, he's an accident." Pippin interrupted.  
  
"Ohh, what type of accident, poor breeding?" Treebeard asked turning to the former pony. "You do look like you had poor breading."  
  
"No, a magic accident. Although, he was a mutt, I do believe." Pippin replied as Bill glared at him.  
  
"Makes no sense, neither of you make sense. Ah well the white wizard will know what you are, and who you are." Treebeard began to lumber deeper into the forest.  
  
"The white wizard?" Bill asked.  
  
"Saruman," gulped Pippin. They where dropped down at the foot of a hummock, and on top of it, stood an old man, shinning and robed in white.  
  
Far away, Aragorn found himself being lead by a very insane creature and followed by another. "I should be leading, I really should. If this Gollum creature isn't the death of me, then surely Frodo will be." He muttered.  
  
"See, see we leads you out! Hurry precious, hurry. Very lucky we find you." Gollum cried out in delight as he bounded ahead and perched on one of the rocks. Frodo walked past, his eyes darting every which way. Aragorn followed behind him. "Nice hobbit" Gollum croaked as he leaned away from the former ranger.  
  
"I am not a hobbit" Aragorn growled shoving the wretched thing off the rock and down the rest of the mountain. Gollum landed in the mist with a splash.  
  
"It's a bog precious,he has lead us to a bog!" Frodo wailed grasping to Aragorn's cloak. "We must kills him, or he kills ussss!"  
  
Aragorn stared at him in shock. "You two are exactly the same, you know that. It's all precious that, and kill this, if he wasn't so ugly I'd swear you where related! And what is with the whole third person thing!" Frodo did not respond, but instead slunk back to the end of the procession.  
  
"A swamp, yes, yes. Come, master. We will take you on safe paths through the mist. Come, hobbits, come. We move quickly." Gollum hissed from in the mist. "I found it, I did. The way through the marshes. Orcs don't use it. Orcs don't know it. They go round for miles and miles. Come quickly. Swift and quick as shadows we must be."  
  
"Gee, I wonder why they don't use it?"Aragorn asked sarcasticly as his foot slipped and became covered in muck. The trio made there way into the muck, and traveled silently for several hours.  
  
"There are dead things, dead faces in the water." Aragorn cried. "Who are you trying to kid, leading us in here!"  
  
Gollum just turned and glared "All dead. All rotten. Elves and men and orcses. A great battle long ago. The Dead Marshes. Yes, yes that is the name. Tried to reach them once, I did, but they far down."  
  
"Reach them, what ever for?" Cried Aragorn staring at a particularly dead elf, "never mind, I don't think I want to know."  
  
"This way. Don't follow the lights!" Gollum commanded. Aragorn grabbed a long stick and thrust it into the pool. "Careful now, or hobbits go down to join the dead ones and light little candles of their own."  
  
"I am not a hobbit." Sighed Aragorn dropping the stick. 


	10. Finaly Another Chapter, I Told You I Cou...

Rating: PG 14 no 15, no 13, definitely 13  
  
Disclaimer: All I own is the idea of them switching bodies (I don't even own the Legolas take off; other writers did the whole Nancy elf thing before me, waaahhh)  
  
10. Finally another Chapter, I told you I could do it!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
After many hours of useless traveling Frodo found him self drawn to the pools, "We see why you wanted to reach them, precioussss we do." He hissed. Aragorn made a revolted face before jogging to the front. "I little tassssste perhapsssss, like elf soup. Aragorn began to bang his head on his sword hilt and blathering insane gibberish. "Hmmm, a taste, yes just a taste." Frodo then dived headlong into the pool.  
  
"Frodo, What in Mordor do you think you are doing!!???" Aragorn yelled, halting his head bashing. "Gollum you useless piece of flesh, grab him!!!"  
  
"Yesss nice hobbits, we grabs him, we grabs him good!" Gollum hissed reaching into the water and grabbing the ring bearer.  
  
"Gahh, get off me! He tries to take in from us he does, kills him we must!!!" Frodo yelped when he noticed who his rescuer was.  
  
Gollum hissed in his face and showed his pointy fangs, "Don't go near the lights!!" he screeched before crawling to the front.  
  
"You will be the death of me, I said it once, I shall say it a million times," Aragorn sighed helping a still shaking Frodo to his feet.  
  
That evening Frodo could not sleep, he watched the Gollum creature rocking and muttering on a nearby rock. "Want it, we wants it, can't have it, but want it, ohh how badly we want it.."  
  
The sound of his blathering grew too much to bear. "Shut UP!!!!!" Frodo yelled.  
  
Aragorn opened one eye "Yes shut up, both of you just shut up." He then turned over and went back to sleep.  
  
Frodo crept up behind Gollum and drew Sting from its sheath. Gollum looked up and tuned to the Ring Bearer. "Master should be sleeping, master needs his sleep." He hissed.  
  
"Need my sleep!!! You shall kill us it our sleep, we shunt sleep!" Frodo screeched.  
  
"Shut up, shut up shut up!!!!!" Aragorn cried covering his ears in vain hope. Suddenly a horrific scream filled the air. "I said SHUT UP!!" Aragorn screamed back.  
  
Gollum began to whimper uncontrollably, 'Gahh, hide hide!!" "Black riders, they search for us!!" Frodo yelped before flinging himself under a bush he felt his chest burn in pain.  
  
"They shall see us, they shall se us!" Gollum quivered.  
  
"I thought they where dead!" Aragorn shook.  
  
"Dead, no you cannot kill them precious can not kill them." Gollum muttered "Wraiths, wraiths on wings, they are calling for us, they are calling for the precioussss."  
  
Frodo began to grope at the ring on his chest. "Frodo, it's alright, they can't see us." Aragorn whispered urgently. The wraith then flew off.  
  
"Hurry hobbits, the gate is very clossse" Gollum urged leading them out of the bush.  
  
"I am not a hobbit," Aragorn corrected for what seemed like the millionth time.  
  
Meanwhile the three travelers where stumbling through Fangorn in search of their friends. "Thistles in my hair, branches cutting my face.This is no place for an elf!"  
  
"Don't you mean thistles in your beard, oh master dwarf?" Sam giggled before ripping over a tree root.  
  
"I am still an elf. at heart at least, and is that not enough." Legolas replied sweetly.  
  
"Oh please not more poetry, I do not need to hear more elf poetry." Gimli cried covering his ears.  
  
"Why not it's beautiful?" Legolas asked before jumping into one of his own works.  
"The tree's shine gold,  
but they aren't old.  
I see them from my window. Umm, what rhythms with window?"  
  
"One more rhythm, limerick or sweet little tune and I shall ruin you teeth by gnawing on these here trees." Gimli warned.  
  
Legolas was still trapped in his little world.  
"O, the Beavers knaw  
They paw paw paw  
And."  
  
"That's it, say good bye pretty whites!" Gimli began to chomp on one of the trees. "Ewww!" He yelped spitting o the bark out. "Orc blood." He shudderd.  
  
"Oh yuck, not with my teeth, not with my teeth, ewwwe." Legolas screamed, jumping around like a little girl who had just caught sight of a spider.  
  
"Um, Gimli how exactly do you know what orc blood tastes like?" Sam asked as he tried to calm Legolas down.  
  
"Long story," Gimli paused. "It started with my great grandfather's birthday. You see my aunt made the cake, and she's never been a very good cook."  
  
"That's okay, I already get the idea." Sam stopped him.  
  
Legolas had stopped bouncing around and was pukeing in a nearby bush. "Hello, these are strange tracks?"  
  
"What are?" Sam asked.  
  
"Those." Legolas replied pointing out some long trenches in the ground. He began to wipe his beard off using a big leaf.  
  
"The air is close in here." Gimli commented taking in a deep breath.  
  
"Well this forest is very old. Stupid." Legolas retorted. Suddenly the leaf he was using snapped away and a set of groans filled the air. "It's full of memory. and anger."  
  
"Hahaha, sucks to be you," Gimli laughed "Hehehe my people cut these woods down for centuries, their probably after dwarfs."  
  
"But I'm not a dwarf!" Legolas yelped.  
  
"They don't know that." Gimli giggled. "A branch suddenly swiped at him. He raised his axe in defense.  
  
"They are speaking to each other." Legolas quailed closing his eyes in fear.  
  
"Gimli" Sam whispered urgently.  
  
"Huh?" Gimli asked.  
  
"Lower your axe" Sam pleaded.  
  
"Oh, ahem, yes of course." Gimli blushed a deep red, a color that badly clashed with his pink hair.  
  
"Sam," Legolas squeaked. "nad nâ ennas!"  
  
"What!?" Sam asked, "I don't speak elvish." Oh, yeah right." Legolas blushed and even deeper shade then Gimli. "Something is out there."  
  
"What do you see?" Sam asked.  
  
"The white wizard!!" Legolas whimpered. "He approaches!"  
  
Ohhh too bad, you will have to wait till the next chapter for Gandalf's return, and Theoden and Eowyn. I am going to have so much fun with those characters (Cackles evilly). 


	11. Look Two Chapetrs in One Weekend!

Rating: PG IE (hehehe figure that one out)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of Tolkien's works, never have never will and it's about time I accept that (  
  
11. Look Two Chapters in one Weekend!!!  
  
Sam squeaked, Legolas shook and Gimli burped. "Don't let him put another spell on us, this ones bad enough!" Sam whimpered.  
  
"Are you kidding? Maybe we can get him to switch us back!" Gimli said through clenched teeth. "We have to be quick, Sam you tackle him, Leggy you sit on him and I'll slap him silly till he reverses the curse."  
  
"Eww, why do I have to sit on him?" Legolas asked notching an arrow to his bow, "Can't I shoot at his feet for a bit?"  
  
"No stupid, you'll miss, besides you're the fattest." Sam relied, "Oh no, there he is!" The former hobbit pointed toward a bright figure looming on the hill ahead.  
  
"Get him!!!!!!" Gimli yelled.  
  
"Charge!!" Legolas cried.  
  
"Motherrrrr!" Sam yelped as the light blinded him and he fell to his knees.  
  
"Gahh, too bright! Turn it off! Turn it off!" Legolas whimpered covering his eyes.  
  
"You are tracking the footsteps of two young hobbits." The wizard implied.  
  
"Well, not quit, one's a mffffft." Sam's stopped as Legolas covered his mouth.  
  
"Shut up!" Leggy hissed.  
  
"They passed this way the day before yesterday. They met someone they did not expect. Does that comfort you?" The wizard asked.  
  
"Not is it was you!" Sam yelled yanking free of his companions grasp. "Show yourself and fight us like a man!"  
  
"Oh dear me, you may want to steady that temper master Gamgee." The wizard laughed, as the brightness dimmed. "Rosie will think you rash."  
  
"What the, Gandalf?" Gimli squeaked falling to his feet.  
  
"Oh dear Valar." Legolas sighed before fainting. "It cannot be, you fell? Pippin killed you." Sam whispered in amazement.  
  
"I did fall through fire and water. From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak, I fought him, the Balrog of Morgoth." Gandalf replied. "Until at last, I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside. Darkness took me. And I strayed out of thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead and everyday was as long as a life-age of the earth. But it was not the end. I felt light in me again. I have been sent back until my task is done. As for Pippin, I shall deal with him soon, insolent little rat that he is."  
  
"You seem younger master Gandalf, fuller more energized, how?" Sam asked.  
  
"I just started paying more attention to all that e-mail spam, quite helpful actually. (Come on you all know what I mean)." Gandalf replied. "Now let's go and pay a little visit to an old friend."  
  
"Saruman! Please not him." Sam pleaded.  
  
"Well yes and no, you'll see." Gandlaf laughed. "Oh, could you wake Legolas; he seems to have fallen asleep."  
  
Treebeard lumbered through the forest. "My home. I sleep in the forest near the roots of the mountain, just south of here, if you stand on my top branches you should be able to see it, funny story actually, hoe I found it, I shall tell it too you later. I told Gandalf I would keep you safe and safe is where I'll keep you; lots of trees, no orc can get through them. Taught them to clobber orcs myself, another long story to tell you this evening. The trees have grown wild and dangerous, well not all of them, there's a couple saplings that are rather nice, bit peckish though, only drink out of the finest of springs. Anger festers in most trees' hearts. They will harm you if they can. There are too few of us now. Too few of us ents left to manage them, used to be more, many more, lots of entwives too. One opf the prettiest was Harathiel she could tend gardens all day except in winter, then she'd." "He's been going on like this for hours Bill." Pippin grumbled. "My head's beginning to hurt. He's worse then the Gaffer, and that's saying a lot."  
  
"Yay, were out!" Aragorn sighed plunking himself down on a rock at the end of the marsh. "Not out, not yet. Not there, not now. Don't resssst sssstupid hobbit." Gollum hissed. "He'sss right, not sssmart, they shall see us, they shall!" Frodo hissed. "Fine! Just cut out the hissing!" Aragorn cried clamoring to his feet. "Where is the gate?" "Clossse, tiss very close, over big hill, it isssss." Gollum replied as he began to climb up a rocky hill, Frodo and Aragorn followed. "The Black Gate of Mordor!" "Eru save us! It's big!" Aragorn whimpered. "Stupid Hobbit says to show him the way into Mordor, so good Smeagol does. Master's friend says so." Gollum hissed. "So I did." Aragorn sighed looking out at the wall, "Blimy look at all them orcs and trolls. Well, that's it then. We cannot get past that." A horn sounded and the gate began to open. An army of the south began to fill through. "Look! The gate, it'ssss opening! I can sssssee a way down." Frodo said eagerly as he peered over the side. Suddenly the rock gave way and he fell down the hill side. "Frodo, no!!!" Aragorn cried sliding down after him. "Master!" Gollum hissed as two of the Easterners broke rank to investigate the commotion. Aragorn tugged on the ring bearer, but he would not come lose. Desperately he flung his cloak over the two of them and laid still. The Soldiers stared at what appeared to be a rock before turning away jabbering in their own tongue. ( The conversation translated to this: "I told you it was nothing!" "Did not" "Did to" "Did not!" "Did too" Ect.) "Get off ussss!" Frodo screeched as soon as the soldiers where out of ear shot. "Pervy hobbit fancier!" "I am not!" Aragorn argued. "Now come on, we can still make a run for it!" He prepared to bolt for the open gate. "Now!!" Frodo cried, before being pulled back by Gollum. "No! No, no master! They'd catch you! They'd catch you! Don't take it to him! He wants the preciousss. Always he's looking for it! And the preciousss is wanting to go back to him. But we mustn't let him have it." Gollum pleaded. Frodo pulled away. "No! There's another way. More secret and dark way." "Why have you not spoken of this before!?" Aragorn asked grabbing Gollum by the neck. "Because Master did not ask!" Gollum insisted. "He'ssss up to ssssomething." Frodo hissed. "Are you saying there is another way into Mordor?" Aragorn interrogated. "Yesss. There is a path, and some stairs, and then a tunnel." Gollum replied. "He's led us this far, and he's been true to his word." Aragorn decided. "Noooo!" Frodo pleaded. "Lead the way Smeagol." Aragorn drooped Gollum and gave him a kick. "Smeagol, yesss Sssmeagol." Gollum hissed as he lead them down the hill.  
  
Well that one was tricky to write, manly because I had to switch Sam's (Aragorn's ) and Frodo's lines around for it to work wit their new attitudes. I hope it turned out. 


End file.
